A NICKEL SHORT AND WISER

Often when I feel most tender and vulnerable, it’s the time when events shake me up and give me new perspectives.  Such was the case with a bus incident some years ago.

I took my usual bus from New Hope to downtown Minneapolis.  I remembered to ask the bus driver for a transfer.  I can still see it in my mind, and never thought about it again until I boarded my next bus 30 minutes later.  It was then that I noticed the transfer slip had expired.

How could that be?  It should have been good for two hours.  I expressed my disbelief to the bus driver, who had little sympathy.  I rummaged through my pockets looking for another transfer slip, to no avail.  I nervously searched my pockets to see how much change I had—95 cents, a nickel short.

For a few moments I panicked.  Then the woman across from me said kindly, “What do you want?”  I was given the nickel I needed and I promptly put it into the machine, only to jam it momentarily, which left me feeling even more embarrassed.

I sat down and the tears flowed.  I felt the stares of my fellow bus travelers and my own humiliation.  I was visibly shaking.  Why was this so emotional and painful?  What did the event trigger?  I felt shame over my seeming confusion and embarrassment at the thought that someone, bus driver included, might be thinking I was trying to get by with something.  It also triggered my financial instability, where even the loss of a dollar was a big deal and above all, my emotional scars from recent painful and personal losses.  I was tender, very tender, and it hurt. 

I let the tears awkwardly flow and mostly recovered from my embarrassment by the time I got to work.  Later, as I sorted out another chapter in my life’s story, I realized that this was a lesson in letting go, in accepting that people can think what they want, and above all, accepting my emotions as part of who I am.  Yes, I am more emotional than many, and that may come out awkwardly at times, but it’s an important part of who I am.  The more I fight it, the more it controls me and shapes me.  I am who I am and that’s all I can be.

Now when I get on the bus I declare confidently, “I got it right this time,”—in more ways than one.